‘Being stalked has left me feeling like a prisoner in my own home’' | Stalking Awareness Week

A woman who was stalked by a stranger for 12 years has described how she feels like a prisoner in her own home as a result of his obsessive and controlling behaviour.

Unable to feel safe in her own home, garden or town, be alone at any time, or leave her doors unlocked without being by gripped by fear, Lara’s life has been completely torn apart by a man she met by chance and who – at first – seemed completely harmless.

Lara, whose name we have changed to protect her identity, has shared her story as part of Stalking Awareness Week in the hope of raising awareness of the devastating impact of stalking behaviour, and the ways in which victims can be supported.

Her ordeal began more than a decade ago, when she came across David through his work. While he appeared to be friendly, his obsessive personality soon began to show as he instigated daily contact and made his intentions clear with flowers and a note. This soon made Lara feel uneasy, and when he put forward the idea of moving in together after a very short period of time, Lara persuaded him to back off.

Or so she thought.

“I thought that was it,” she said. “However, over the following years I regularly saw his car in my town. He began to infiltrate every part of my community – shops, workplaces, schools, events, businesses.

“Through his work he cemented his position in my community

“I saw him at least once a week in town, school, or wherever I seemed to be, and while it scared and angered me because I couldn’t understand it or work out what he was doing, I couldn’t report it.

“It was so manipulative and clever.”

Once he had built a circle of trust in the people Lara knew, his behaviour evolved into what she describes as ‘visible stalking’. She noticed that he was repeatedly driving to her street, and then he began parking a few doors down from her house.

Eventually, Lara would see him regularly sitting outside her home, watching her from his car. Even one day when she drove 13 miles away from home to safely get a coffee, her day was shattered when her security camera showed he was at her home.

“Looking back, I fully believe those long term, slow burn actions were stalking, but it took the blatant act of him repeatedly watching me in my home, outside my front drive and windows, for me to realise how serious it was,” she said.

“My whole life changed. I closed my social media down for a year which totally isolated me from any friends and online contact and connections.

“I could not leave the house without my phone in my hand recording ready to gather evidence.

“I had to install a camera and extra security and could no longer do simple tasks such as open the back door to put the rubbish out, let the cat in and out, or go out to my garden safely.

“I had to close off my front window with different curtains, I could no longer answer the phone safely, go to my local town safely, or talk to people as I was terrified they would pass information back to him or his associates or business.

“I couldn’t do anything. I was completely held prisoner by managing my safety, fear, and paranoia.

“I was scared of every car that came near my house, scared of every voice I heard outside, scared of the police, scared of associates who didn’t all believe or support me.

“My child and I kept a hammer upstairs. It was all consuming.”

At this point, Lara reported David to the police. She gathered evidence of his behaviour including times and dates, and submitted photos and videos.

Twice, officers applied for a stalking protection order, however both were refused at court due to the evidence threshold being too high at the time. Finally, a third application was successful as even more evidence to cement the case had been gathered, and Lara was granted a stalking protection order. The threshold for such high evidence has now been lowered by the Home Office. 

A stalking protection order is a civil order which is an effective means of managing a suspect, with the aim of protecting the victim and providing them with a formal acknowledgement of their concerns. It is applied for by police, and a breach of an order is a criminal offence. The order can prevent the suspect from doing certain things, such as not being able to contact or approach the victim, or restricting online activity, or going to certain places, such as near or to the victim’s home, workplace, or other defined areas the victim visits regularly. Under a stalking protection order, the perpetrator might also have to attend an intervention programme, undergo a mental health assessment, surrender their electronic devices, or sign in at a police station.

However, the impact of David’s behaviour has changed Lara’s life forever.

“I could never imagine what a man’s fixation could cause and do to my life,” she said. “It was psychological terror, and it pushed me to feeling suicidal.

“It took up all my time – constant days and hours taken up by police contact that left me hyper vigilant, with extreme anxiety.

“I had to accept my stalker was an unknown quantity, had an interest in weapons and militaria, that I did not know any history, mental health, or behaviours enough, so my life genuinely felt at risk.

“I got used to the fact I could be killed. I instructed my parents what to do if I was – I expected it. Being alive, not being physically harmed felt a bonus. Like I was one of the lucky ones.

“My stalking was mostly purely psychological and that was his MO. It wasn’t about gifts, or following me, online contact or notes, threats or physical harm – it was all power and control.”

While she is still struggling to live with the effects of her experience, Lara hopes that in sharing her story she can raise awareness of stalking, and encourage more support for victims and survivors.

“Stalking is entirely misunderstood as an act of passion, attraction and flattering,” she said. “It is murder in slow motion, a pre-cursor to most murders of women.

“I was made to feel that I should be flattered. It was minimalised as the actions of a weird man just acting overly interested, and what a ‘strange thing’ to happen to me, but it needs to be seen as the act of psychological terror that it is.

“My message to anyone who knows of a survivor of stalking is to listen, show loyalty and support and most of all, believe them because if society as a whole, the police and all agencies pull together on making sure stalking is completely unacceptable, by empowering the victim and disempowering the offender, positive change can happen.”

To find out more about the signs of stalking behaviour, where to turn for support and how to report to the police, click here: Stalking and harassment | Dyfed-Powys Police